181210

You know that feeling where you think something bad will happen because you’re looking forward to something that’s too good to be true. I felt that yesterday on the plane. I thought something bad would happen and it’ll prevent me from landing in Vietnam. I’m here now, and it doesn’t feel real, it feels amazing and different. After 6 years, I return to my second home country and visit my relatives that I have unbearably missed over the years. My old grandparents, my uncles and aunties are all here and I was so glad to see every one of them in one piece. Indeed, I miss my friends in the land down under, and I’ll definitely try to keep in contact with them. However, Anthony told me to keep away from my old life and just enjoy what I have now, and I think he’s right. I should be occupying myself with what’s in front of me and taking in these 5 weeks as the perfect getaway. The great escape.

xx Veronica

The Year 2010

261010

*Just a bunch of random prose writing pieces I wrote in school :)

Let's live while we're young. Let's roam the big scary city on bikes and nothing more but $3.50. We'll live off each others presence and company. We'll build up out place of beauty where no-one can cause us harm, hurt us or leave us without reason. Let's push ourselves tot he limit in order to achieve the impossible. Let's sail the pacific ocean in 24 hours. Let's stop the wars and corruption in 3rd world countries. Let's bring peace and joy to those who have been sad all their lives. Because whilst we live on this very earth, we're all in this together. This very earth that disrupts and intervenes all that is good. But let's turn all that is bad, good, and all that is good, better. It's too wasteful sitting around thinking "hmm can't believe those people were treated like that" or "look at those poverty stricken kids on the streets" why ask yourself that when you're not going to get off your lazy, selfish ass and do something about it. Because you live in this world too, ans as long as you're apart of this world, then make a damn contribution because our world is becoming more unjust and more inadequate every single second of our lives.

You have to know that I love you. I don't even remember what I was doing with myself before you came long. All I know is life was miserable and I don't ever want to go back to that...ever. I might be incredibly dreamy in thinking this is all real, and the fact is; this is all really true. It's not a dream, it's not a fantasy, it isn't me writing another one of my unrealistic prose pieces. It's not a blog, it's not a cute picture from Tumblr. It is real life and I don't think I've ever been so thankful for having someone like you step foot into my life. It just makes me wonder where you've been all my life...? Finding you was just fate. Instant attraction, connection, interesting and fascinating vibe. I'm so curious and anxious but also excited to see what the future holds for us. But baby you're right, life is too short to be sad, I've spent enough of my life locked in my own little fortress of solitude in pain and misery. You really came into my life at the right time. You saved me from myself; doing any harm to myself. You stopped all that. And you brought me peace and joy. Baby I can't imagine my without you now...I'd be so lost, so heart broken and without breath. I love you...

At this point in time I feel as though I have everything I've ever wanted. Things have really fallen into my lap an they have all been perfect. Although I don't believe in the word perfect...there is no actual fixed meaning for it. If I were to define perfection, it'd have to be; the flaws and imperfections that make up a beautiful and amazing person. Someone with a bit of awkwardness and insecurity. Someone who accepts them for who they are, no matter what.

That's why I think we make up the perfect equation. The unbalanced life that we both live really make up those little flaws that are accepted and loved. Those little quirks and flairs that bring out the best in someone. That's why...we make sense.

xx Veronica

241010

My eyes wondered to you, your arms wrapped around me for the very first time. It was this electric vibe that rushed through my body, but I completely ignored it, because I never thought anything of it at first. I spent the night crying over something that didn’t even matter. Tears that fell for no fucking reason. You wiped them away, you held me the night. I came home and I saw what a mess I’d caused, and the humiliation I felt. Sobering up, all I could really think of was “who was it that held me all night when I had traces of thrown up alcohol on me...” And it was you. Slowly I just started to feel my heart beat whenever we talked. Beating to something so new and so refreshing. I was so afraid to admit what was going on, because I was so unsure. Fearful of another loss in my life, something that was far from what I ever wanted. All the fear was there, it was definitely there, but you somehow rid me of my fears. I no longer doubted myself, nor did I ever question what was going anymore. I don’t know what kind of magic spell you casted, but I hope it never fades away. I hope this magic lives forever and ever because now that I have you, the only scary thing is, what if i lose you...

Baby, what’s going on here is something I’ve never even dared to dream of. The past has affected me so much that I never thought I’d be able to feel this way again. It’s the way you’re curious about me that makes me feel so special. The way you understand the way I operate that makes me feel cherished. How you seem to remember the little details about me that makes me feel like I’m worth something. It’s the way you compliment me and I actually start to believe it, and that makes me confident in myself. How you send me random “I love you” messages that makes me feel like I’m truly loved. The way you hug me around my waist that makes me feel secure and safe. The way you kiss me that makes me feel comfort and warm inside. The way you make me abuse my keyboard with gibberish that makes me feel like a little silly girl that has a crush.

It’s like you’ve awakened my life. And I know I’m not perfect because nothing is in this inadequate world. I can’t promise to solve all of your problems, but I promise to stick them out with you. I can’t promise to be your perfect girl, but I promise to try my best. I can’t promise to have all the answers, but I promise to search for them with you. Sometimes, things just happen, and when you happened, I decided that you’re the only one I ever want. I don’t want anything else. I say I want you to take me places, but the truth is, I’d rather spend a whole day with you sitting at the beach talking about everything and anything. I show you the beautiful houses, mansions, and sky high priced apartments, but the truth is, I’d rather live in a tiny shack, as long as I have you with me, it’s more than sufficient. I don’t live in the materialistic world, I’m not a material girl, I’m a dreamer, and I’m in love with you. And that’s all that matters to me now, and forever.

I love you Kevin, now&forever. Forever&always. Its you and me...for life. ♥

221010

Take me as I am.

I am Veronica, 17 and an absolute dreamer. I want excessive things in life that I may not get. I want the intangible things that are hard to find and even more difficult to keep. Love, respect, freedom, knowledge and happiness. The beautiful things of life.

I'm forgetful and clumsy because my mind drifts so quickly. The realistic world scares me. Actually, it scares the fuck out of me. It scares me because the world is so inadequate, and it is so dishonest in every single way. So, the question is raised; can a person gain happiness here? In real life?

Being the dreamy person that I am, I like to imagine myself as a character in a book that I'm reading, or a film that I'm watching. So today, I guess I might relate myself to Dorothy from Kansas. Walking the yellow brick road, and I make stops every now and then. I'd meet new people who become new friends. A friend with knowledge and common sense like Scarecrow, a friend with the heart of gold (or should I say tin) like Tinman, and a friend with absolute courage like Lion. And as we link arms, and walk down the yellow brick road, we come across obstacles that slow down out journey, destruct our path and prevent our happiness. Then there are times where we stop at a split road. "Just follow the yellow brick road"...but which way to we turn? Left? Right? Or do we turn around and just go back...

Would I take the right road? The risky road? Or no road?

xx Veronica

211010 ~ Just A Little Something Special :)

I hope you enjoyed watching baby :) just a little something to show you how much I love, adore and appreciate you. You're amazing, and I'm extremely lucky :)

I love you.

171010

WOW, its the 17th October 2010, and 17! 12 months left till I'm officially legal ;) The birthday texts, calls and facebook messages really touched me. The things that people sent to me, really made me feel loved :)

I've had one of the best birthdays yet, and hopefully more to come. I spent the day with people I love, in the place I love. What more could I possibly ask for?

There was only one thing I guess, my best friend couldn't make it, I wish he was able to come, but family stuff held him back, and at the moment, I'm just really hoping for the best for him <3

Regardless, I had a great day, and a great start to a brand new year of my life. 17th year, and it has already been amazing. The new people, new loves and new friends have fulfilled me already. Things are happening swiftly as I write this, and I'm hoping everything will be better and amazing as I continue writing my chapter in my book called "Life".

I'm excited, anxious, a little nervous but willing to risk all to experience what I deserve. In my book, my protagonist takes on new challenges, threats and adventures. She learns more about life, makes more mistakes and new regrets. The new characters that enter the chapter will bring forth hardship, love and sadness. It's all going to start unravelling...now

xx Veronica

151010

It was only a few months ago that I thought I could never trust a person nor love a person for a very, very long time. I let one person get in the way of my happiness and my sense of reality. I was fearful of confiding in another person, because the more I let out, the more they let go. That's what I thought for a long time. Not only that, I was afraid of losing more people in my life, because when someone I love and care for leaves, they take a piece of my heart with them, leaving me with barely anything to live for. But right now, I feel like I can do absolutely anything. I feel as though, if someone threw a challenge or a threat at me, I'd be ready and prepared to face it with everything I have. I'm slowly rebuilding my stability, my confidence and my self-identity that's been hidden for too long.

My grade went to a retreat camp for three days, and the things we were faced with had everything to do with my fears. The fears that I overcame, slowly with the help of the people who have truly been there for me. The people who I've learnt to truly appreciate and thank. I've also learnt to leave all the baggage that use to pull me down, step away from the negative impacts and the regrets, mistakes and bad decisions, and just move forward. The world's inadequate, but God is always generous. I know that now, I can see it through the eyes of all those who love, care and support me.

xx Veronica

131010

You saw me at my best and at my worse. You appreciated me as the person that I am and always will be and that is something truly special. Within hours, you saw the dramatic and almost extreme alters in my emotions from happy and excited to misery and nausea. You didn't question me, nor did you get angry at the mess I had caused, instead you stayed by my side at just the right times. Although my state of mind wasn't exactly lucid, I was still able to appreciate your presence and your hold when I was unstable. You made me feel like I was the only girl there.

I wish I wasn't so fearful of meeting people. I wish I allowed them into my life instead of pushing them away. But when I met you, your sense of interest and curiousity in me allowed myself to let you into my life. Soon enough into my mind, and right now, the depth of my heart.

I haven't been able to stop my smile from appearing on my face everytime I see you and everytime I talk to you. Some days, I find myself lying in bed, listening to music and my mind just wonders to you. I wonder what you're doing, where you are and what you're thinking of.

I am in love with the warmth you transfer to me inside and out whenever your arms are around me. Those two nights we've been together, I wish hadn't ended.

When I think of you, the words electric, strange, time and memories always seem to cross my mind. You create a new electric vibe through my body, it's what's keeping my personality alive. You make my body tingle strangely, I haven't felt this way in such a long time. I almost forgot how good it feels. When talking to you, it feels like time is running out. It's as if time literally runs out the door as rapidly as it could go. But that just makes me treasure and cherish you more.

I'm awaiting for us to create our new memories. Everyday is a new day shared with you. I learn something new and interesting about you and for that I learn something new about myself, that makes you special in my eyes. You make me so nervous and so comfortable at the same time, and that creates butterflies not inly in my stomach, but from head to toe. What have you done?

I giggle to myself all the time, thinking of you. Because you brought something to me that I haven't felt in months; you brought me happiness...

I think I love you.

xx Veronica

101010

Who knew the 16th year of my life would be this crazy and dramatic? If you asked me, I would've thought turning 16 would merely mean; my hair grows a little longer, parents become a little less strict and a little more gullible. School would be harder and studying more intense.

Actually, now that I think of it, turning 16 created every single emotion I could ever think of. Maybe that's just me being dramatic...

Everything that I assumed, well let's just say, I really did make an ass out of u and me...(hehe)

My parents were much more lenient with me, but I took away all their trust by stupidly getting caught with an ex boyfriend. Oops, it had to happen at some stage didn't it? I sound arrogant about it now, but I was shitting bricks when it happened. I also thought that I had found my true friends. I guess you won't know who they really are until you look down from heaven and see who truly grieves for you.

At this very moment, I have the most amazing friends. Some new, and some that have stuck by me from the very beginning. School teachers say the transition from year 10 to year 11 is a massive leap. But I think it's turning 16, well for me so far anyways. I underwent some excruciatingly painful experiences and some unbelieveably magical moments. For a really long time, I went through the phase of wanting to retrace time, pick up my mistakes and undo all the unbearable knots. But now, I think I know better than that. It's true what they say, everything happens for a reason. I've made countless amounts of mistakes, but being human, not making a mistake is impossible. I've been told that I've changed for the worse. I guess some changes of myself have trule been negative. Isn't it all apart of the process of growing up? Its like trying on clothes. You buy something new, just to see how well or how badly it fits. Sometimes a shirt, a dress or a pair of shoes may look good for only a period of time, right? Well sometimes, a persona or a change in a person may only fit for a particular time period. In the end I'm still me. Still fearful of losing people, still unknown to the unjustices of the world. Still trying to fit in with the unfittable world. Still trying to find out who she is, what she wants to do and where she wants to go in life. Still a curious confined girl. Still me.

For the past 12 months, I've been too caught up with my selfish self in order to see the pain that people around me are in. Too self centered to see how my actions and wrongdoings are affecting others. For years, I've been living in my own space. Reclusive to the rest of the chaotic world. I cared too much about what people thought of me. Secretly, I had no self-esteem. Secretly, I was afraid of judgement. Poeple looking at me and thinking the worse. Because that's what I, myself was doing. I was relentless in my opinions and thoughts.

Now, I don't care enough. I've never been able to care at just the right amount. Either too much, or too little. I'm tired of over-analysing, I've given up on what anyone says about me because 99.9% of the time, it's utter bullshit. Unless, it came from my own mouth, it's all shit talk. I haven't become negatively influenced like some people say. I'm not corrupted in any way. What's happened to me, is that I've grown up, and I've learnt to get over the things that don't matter and aim my focus at one thing. My happiness. The past month, this concept of seeking happiness has really worked for me. I'm slowly finding out about the more significant things in life.

I've had my fair share of relationship break-ups, intense emotional break downs, failing school and living in fear. I've made the most stupid mistakes a human being can possibly make, I've pushed away amazing people that I wish were still here, and I've done things not many people would approve of. If I were to judge me, myself. I think I'd be frowning at me. But thinking that way, I'm only human aren't I? I might be a little crazy, a little gullible, stupid and foolish but everything I've done, and the way I've lived, I'll keep living. Everything I've done, I will never regret, because every single second in my life is precious. Every laughter and every tear I've had in life, contributes to strengthening the person I am at this very moment.

All things that have stomped me down, laughed at me, judged me and back stabbed me, I'm glad to be able to stand up and say "fuck you, my life is as I live it"

Those special people of mine who have stuck by me, I love you, and I hope you'll continue loving me for who I am. I say; Lets run this crazy race together and strip down that finish line (no sexual innuendo intended =P)

And sometimes, in life, things don't always go your way, but they'll always go the right way.

xx Veronica

011010

It was only a few months ago that I thought to myself; I'm going to rebuild this lost foundation and make it perfect again. It was only a few months ago, that i thought life was unbearable without him. It was only a few months ago, that my closest friends lost me as a human being. Only a few months ago, that I lost myself in mid air. I thought all this talking would lead to something that was existent months before. All the thinking, all the false hope made me lose my mind and I was lost all over again.

But now, I've realised that rebuilding a foundation that has crumbled so far into the ground is almost impossible. Realised that life isn't really all that unbearable, it sure is different, and kind of difficult. I've even noticed the changes in myself, looking at my reflection and my actions from months ago, I realised that wasn't even me. I was so caught up in making things "perfect" that I forgot who I was, and who I really am. Once and for all, I have to let go of what has been causing me misery, and welcome the real happiness that I truly think I deserve. Being able to feel liberated, and to let go of all the scars, and the sadness, gives me the chance to re-obtain myself as I am. Let those in, instead of pushing them away. Live in confidence, rather then grave fear. It's sometimes the little things in life that allow you to put the bigger pictures into great perspective. No time to be held down by someone that only brought happiness once in my life. And that one time was really magical, but it's not the most important thing anymore. Right here, right now; that's the most significant.

xx Veronica

180810 #3

"Please love me...that's all I've ever wanted."

I pleaded, almost wanting to drop on my knees and beg. But what good would that do. He'd just stand there and look at me as if I were stupid and insane. I guess I am insane. All this has driven me over the edge, self inflicting pain and insanity. Sad don't you think? That a human being would suffer this much for another human being. Aren't we all equals? Shouldn't we fight equally for each other? I guess if it hurts this much...it must be love.

He is so perfect. From the tip of his dark brown hair, to the tip of his pale toes. But love has no criteria. No one goes around ticking perfect personalities and appearances off their list.

 

Love are clichés, it's wishing for you at 11:11 and getting angry when I miss it by a minute. It's staying up at odd hours of the night and waking up at 6am, thinking of you. It's listening to Death Cab For Cutie and willing to follow you into the dark. It's mindlessly wondering around the house, checking the fridge every now and then looking for something that isn't there. It's looking pretty every time I go out just in case I get that rare opportunity to bump into you. It's crying without even trying. It's digging for memories that no longer exist. It's missing you every second of the day, missing you to the point where my dreams only contain images of you. It's waking up to find that we're no longer together and feeling upset. It's placing my feet on the freezing timber floors in the morning, and wishing you were there to cuddle the cold out of me. It's rugging up with pillows and blankets whilst watching a horror movie and wishing it were you that I was with. It's seeing that loved up couple walking hand in hand in the streets and hoping one day it'd be you and I. It's making the effort to rebuild that stack of books that have been knocked to the floor. It’s eating that particular candy that we use to share, it’s watching that movie that we first watched together. It’s loving you unconditionally and painfully...

xx Veronica

180810 #2

Let’s play pretend. Let’s pretend that we’re strangers in an elevator. We both start talking to one another and the mystery unravels from there. I go home and sit in my little bubble once again, reading. To slowly realise that you symbolise a fantasy character from the novel I’m reading. In time, things begin to become less vague, and more lucid. I’m awakened by your personality and presence. You gave me reason to keep trying, keep going, and go all the way to reach for that finish line. You gave me reason to believe that there’s someone out there that can erase everyone else, and can replace all those bad things in the inadequate world. When we’re not together, I feel the withdrawal symptoms, it’s scary.

 

Too bad playing pretend doesn’t last forever.

 

I end up only dreaming of these things. I end up searching for you in all my things. Then I’d lie in bed and laugh at how pointless anything at all is. Dreams...

Want to hear my dream? I’ll tell you anyway.

We’re sitting on the deck, looking down at the sweet ripples of dark blue water. The sun begins to go down, and our surroundings are bathed in a stunning orange glow. The salty smell of the ocean is in the air. As the skies start to dim, silhouettes of the city begin to stand out against the horizon, and the different shaped shadows give way to the glittering city light. Hands never unlock, and our eyes continue to gaze into one another’s, despite the beauty the surrounds us. I have a full roll of film that keeps playing again in my mind every time I close my eyes. I think of you as one of my favourite books. I keep you safe by my bedside table, hoping that the story comes to life during my sleep. But the book comes tumbling down...

xx Veronica

180810

What do you want?

Sometimes he'd ask me, just out of no where...

Sometime I'd ask that myself, just to challenge myself to answer it

Answer:

I want to be able to grasp the palm of your hand wherever I go. I want you to be as close to me so I don't panic when you're not in sight. With you, I'm able to experience a life of magic and miracles. The desire to be able to feel your touch and instantly have trouble just breathing at the thought of it. This isn't healthy you know... I long to lie in your bed all day long, entangled in your jumper and white sheets of blanket. As long as I can sleep in your bed, I am content. The nature of your eccentric personality brings about a carnival like atmosphere, colours here and there, soft fairy-like music...

What we have, it should be timeless. Just wanting to freeze this moment in time. I see myself running around finding anything with the time on it, and physically stopping the hands from ticking, the numbers from jumping, anything that will stop time. Your presence sets my life in high definition, colours are brighter than they ought to be, and everything is seen in a clear vision, nothing is blurred out of my life. I notice small details that never occurred to me before. I want a place to call home, I want the lightning of your mouth on mine. My heart has chosen its destination, and it is a place so unknown to man that it is fearfully beautiful. My heat is greedy. It orders everything on the menu, and more.

 

But then I find myself not saying any of this to you. I find myself turning the question into something rhetorical, and just move onto the next subject. I rewind it all, and view the movie that is called "My Life". The main character is sitting on her bed, in her little translucent bubble of innocence. Munching on green apple liquorice, reading a book, procrastinating and craving for nutella and butter on toast. I have lost the will to want to spend time with friends, I have lost the will to laugh. Because I am now lazy and paralysed by my own insecure thoughts. I guess it’s been one of those days where my coffee just has the wrong amount of sugar or milk, and obviously, I’m far too lazy to fix it up, instead, I drink it as it is. A thin strand of extremely knotted thread can easily be thrown away, but I find myself sitting there, trying to untie it, wasting seconds of my life. I know that once I undo the knot, I’ll easily get tangled into it once again. I’m sitting there watching as time creeps up from behind me, irritatingly watching my life fall apart. I’m stuck in my own abyss. Standing in the middle of an inferno. It feels like my body is conflicting world war 3 with my soul. But I’m holding on for my dear life, because I’m still trying to lay down my bricks and rebuild the foundation of my detrimental life.  Even if Winter is freezing me to the absolute bone, even if my body floats atop the ocean as sweet memories sink to the bottom, I’m holding onto our love. Our love that is tangible.

xx Veronica

130810

Legs entangled in my warm white sheets as the hurricane blows intensely outside the room. As the motionless atmosphere of the room stays silent, the rest of the world is running against the gust of wind. You and I lie voluntarily trapped against one another. Beautiful silence. Suffocation and drowning in you, every day, every night and in every dream. I gather you, me and magic into perfect scenarios that are only ever fit for a brilliantly written novel in the 19th Century. I rest my chin on your clavicle, and breathe in your warm scent, the smell before rain, the smell of fresh cigarettes, the smell of sweetness and love.

Let's share the air we breathe as one

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

It's clear that we belong in another world. We were made for dreams and beautiful films, amazing old literature elegantly written in a language that you can't read. You exist in all the colours of the rainbow. Sometimes even colours that don't exist. We're each other's escape. You, the anchor that keep my feet on the ground. The blood that pumps through my veins. The invisible universe that is my mind. The fire that ignite my bones when you touch my skin. My favourite thing about life.

We are two restless, jaded people that have attached ourselves to one force. We are wide awake in a mind-blowing dream.

It's not always perfect though...

We get lost really easily. But you always seem to find me in the midst of a crowd, choose me from the rest and I happily hand myself over to you. I see the sight of you, and I come alive again every time.

Us

Our

We

You&Me

Our rambling conversations. Indulgence in hot baths. Talking to you not about anything, but about absolutely everything in detail. Irrelevant chit chat. Made-up words to explain our love for one another. Gibberish frustration. The impossibility to ignore you and be mad at you. We make sense

"The universe is brought back from the brink of destruction, every time you smile."

120810

The lights are flickering on and off, colourful and electric vibes run through the atmosphere as the sound of music thump and vibrate the invisible air. When I close my eyes, it seems as though I can see the ripples of the particles in the air as the music makes its journey through bodies and objects. The little neutrons and electrons swirl a vibrant blue, pretty pink and electric yellow. The combination of the colours are like the intense booming fireworks on New Year's Eve. The central focus illuminates a blood red colour, sending off hazardous contents and danger. The fragile object is guarded by a thin glass box, reflecting the shining light as if it were a priceless diamond being guarded by life. But the glass box isn't enough to guard this object. However, it will one day be exposed to reality, and be knocked over by someone so powerful, yet so beautiful. He will either accidently or intentionally shatter the object that is sitting peacefully in the box. It will fall to the ground, smashed into tiny little pieces. It will be like a one thousand piece jigsaw puzzle, lying on the ground, waiting for someone to come pick up the pieces and rejoin them. One thousand tiny pieces will take time to put together, but with the right combination, and with enough time; it will work.

I'm a walking cliché. I like the love stories, the fantasy. The unrealistic Prince Charming and flawlessly beautiful Princess living happily ever after. The fragile object is indeed my heart. The little neutrons and electrons are the feelings I get when love runs through my body. The painful, yet amazing feeling that makes it's way to the heart. The blood pumping organ that screams the words "DANGER" and "FRAGILE, HANDLE WITH CARE"

It has come to the point, where the English language is running out of words for me to even comprehend all this. Is it an illusion? I've had something that other people could only dream of, or even dare to dream of. "I'm an optimist for life, but a terrible cynic for love." Ironic yes? Pessimist for love, but why? Why all the negative thoughts? Because I don't want my heart to be shattered into a thousand pieces. I want to keep it together, but then...I want it to shatter, just so you can come back and join it back together. I can't seem to make up my mind. The right combination...we're not even right. We are far from right, but what we are, when we're together makes up the word "PERFECT"

I'm not speaking high of us, I'm just speaking the truth. The imperfection, as they say, made it perfect. The flaws bring out the true beauty of a human being. I'm blabbering randomly aren't I? See what I mean when I say the English language just isn't enough? I think I'm just talking to myself...like I usually do.

I wish I could have you here with me. I wish I could fit you into my pocket everywhere I go. Infantile don't you think? I do. I wake up, I do something, sometimes nothing at all. I move my hands, walk around. Think about this, that, this, and that again. Then I do it all over again. I make a mistake without even trying. Then night time draws near, and I make friends with the shadows and dream of green meadows, yellow daisies and beautiful blue skies. Then eyes open, and life flashes back to reality.

050710

The pain in missing you in unbelievably unbearable.

Some days I find myself wondering around mindlessly. I snap myself out of it, and realise that you are on my mind. I went for a long walk today, I walked to the park, and sat on the swings for what seemed like hours. I looked here and there, and all I saw was your face. Your eyes, staring straight back at me. When I talk to you, I'm so happy, and yet so sad at the same time. So happy that we're talking again, but sad that I feel as though my heart is jumping at something that isn't there. But I really do hope it is.

xx Veronica

020710

It's the second day of the 7th month. The year has honestly flown by me without my awareness. I sometimes look at the date and just think "Wow, where has the year gone"

I don't even remember doing anything this year. That's funny, because I remember doing everything last year. Right from January to December. This year was suppose to be great, it was suppose to bring even more happiness, even more joy and even more adventures. But these things have slowly slipped out of my life, and down a deep self-dug hole. Year 11; I wrote in my old blog "Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010!" but I'm starting to regret saying that at all. I really wanna say; please come back 2009...you were so good to me. Why did you leave...I'm begging you. 

xx Veronica

250610

"If I could have just one wish, I would wish to wake up everyday to the sound of your breath on my neck, the warmth of your lips on my cheek, the touch of your fingers on my skin, and the feel of your heart beating with mine...Knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone other than you"

I've always been told to fight for the things you want. I think I've been quite content with that. Fighting for what I want. But I was stupid enough to let one significant aspect of my life go. I fought so hard at one point, that I let down my guard down. I really let that one thing escape from my life and all I want now is...well, to put my guard back up, and fight twice as hard. Because it's come to that stage where I need this person back.

Waking up early in the morning is something difficult for me, not being able to wake up to a phone call. Not being able to text someone during the day, updating them with every single little detail that happens throughout the day. Not being able to make up an excuse every weekend to go see them. Or sneak under the blankets to talk to them at odd hours of the day. Not be able to share that packet of liquorice whilst watching a movie. Not be able to hold hands, kiss or cuddle. Not being able to smell your sweet cologne. Not being able to randomly text you in the middle of the night to say something completely out of the blue. Not being able to come home with the stained smell of your cologne and tobacco. Not being able to hold your face and look into those beautiful twinkling eyes. Not being able to hear your funny voice sing to me randomly. Not being able to argue with you about the most ridiculous things. Not being able to look up at your smile and kiss those lips. You know what I miss most of all? Not being able to tell you, everyday that "i love you"

xx Veronica

190610

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

I'm afraid of many things in life. Not little fears like spiders, nor big fears like death. The thing I do fear, is time. I fear the future. I fear the present. I fear the past. My past overlaps my present, and the future affects my present. I don't know if it's just me. But I seem to really be afraid of running out of time to do things. As seconds pass, I find myself sitting here staring into space, not going out there and doing the things I've always wanted to do. I say I want to be able to publish a book by 25. I keep writing, and deleting, or not finishing. My poems is totally amateur writing. Will I reach that stage where I think to myself...I give up? Will I be able to move out of my house and into that great apartment with my best friend? Will we be able to drink coffee together on the balcony, then go off to work? All these fears of "what ifs" scare me.

But I've realised something. Even if I don't make it in life. Even if I end up on the streets begging for money to feed myself, I think I've achieved one thing. I tried. Trying isn't for the weak, or the losers. Trying is hoping, hoping is dreaming, dreaming is reaching for those stars above. And if I miss a star...I'll go straight for the moon. So I will reach that far. I'll reach right into the galaxy. I'm going to do what it takes to earn me that apartment on Harbourside. I will wake up to the strong aroma of coffee, and I will read my favourite book on that balcony. My best friend and I will then walk onto the streets of the beautiful city and farewell as we go off to our dream jobs. Come home to dinner, talking about life, and sleep. Simple, happy, comfortable lifestyle is all I really need. Isn't it what everyone wants? I don't need a billion dollars in my pocket to make me happy, sure it'd be quite convenient...what am I on about, it'd be absolutely amazing. But without it, I think I'd survive this harsh, cruel judgmental world. Making 30-50k a year will placate me. Until I get these things, I won't stop. Sure I'll sit here and day dream till I go into a state of depression and the desperate need for these things, but I'll also be working my ass off to get to the places I want to go. That one place, is happiness for myself and those I love.

xx Veronica

150610

A lot of people come and go, but the ones that stick around, are truly family. Through thick and thin, always and forever. I love my family ♥

Sometimes, people enter our lives, and change us in the most amazing ways. Sometimes, things don't go according to plan, and sometimes, things may collapse before our eyes. But as long as you have people there for you, and as long as you are there for yourself, you can always take a few steps backwards and reflect upon the important things in life, then open the doors to the new changes you've made. People stagger, they trip and they fall. Some choose to stay down, some decide to get up, but there are those who help each other get up.
Relationships don't often result in the best conclusion, a lot of the times, we don't want them to conclude. However, feelings can't be controlled. You may love, you may care, but sometimes it's better to be great strong friends, rather than be in a weak relationship. Family will always stick around, whereas boyfriends may come and go. The past month has been great. The smile on my face was hard to hide. To be able to meet a genuine, caring and loving person like him was extremely just my luck.
I'm hoping our friendship will grow with love and care, be able to face life together, and still be apart of each others lives.

I can't wait to embark on the most adventurous future I will ever have. The future I will only ever have. Along with my amazing family, and insanely awesome friends, we're going to drop kick the world, and be successful in whatever we do. The life I live at this very moment is greatly pulling me through all the worries, the drama and the depressing side of life. I'm happy to say that I'm happy and smiling at life. Things have been thrown at me for these 6 months of 2010, and I'm so proud of myself, to say that I've been able to stand up and fight against it. With the help of my best friends standing right beside me, holding my hand, and fighting with me. Crying, laughing, and going insane with me.

I will always remember the date '8510 for the rest of my life. Because it will always be apart of me. That day that made me happy again. Thank you Richard
xx Veronica