101010

Who knew the 16th year of my life would be this crazy and dramatic? If you asked me, I would've thought turning 16 would merely mean; my hair grows a little longer, parents become a little less strict and a little more gullible. School would be harder and studying more intense.

Actually, now that I think of it, turning 16 created every single emotion I could ever think of. Maybe that's just me being dramatic...

Everything that I assumed, well let's just say, I really did make an ass out of u and me...(hehe)

My parents were much more lenient with me, but I took away all their trust by stupidly getting caught with an ex boyfriend. Oops, it had to happen at some stage didn't it? I sound arrogant about it now, but I was shitting bricks when it happened. I also thought that I had found my true friends. I guess you won't know who they really are until you look down from heaven and see who truly grieves for you.

At this very moment, I have the most amazing friends. Some new, and some that have stuck by me from the very beginning. School teachers say the transition from year 10 to year 11 is a massive leap. But I think it's turning 16, well for me so far anyways. I underwent some excruciatingly painful experiences and some unbelieveably magical moments. For a really long time, I went through the phase of wanting to retrace time, pick up my mistakes and undo all the unbearable knots. But now, I think I know better than that. It's true what they say, everything happens for a reason. I've made countless amounts of mistakes, but being human, not making a mistake is impossible. I've been told that I've changed for the worse. I guess some changes of myself have trule been negative. Isn't it all apart of the process of growing up? Its like trying on clothes. You buy something new, just to see how well or how badly it fits. Sometimes a shirt, a dress or a pair of shoes may look good for only a period of time, right? Well sometimes, a persona or a change in a person may only fit for a particular time period. In the end I'm still me. Still fearful of losing people, still unknown to the unjustices of the world. Still trying to fit in with the unfittable world. Still trying to find out who she is, what she wants to do and where she wants to go in life. Still a curious confined girl. Still me.

For the past 12 months, I've been too caught up with my selfish self in order to see the pain that people around me are in. Too self centered to see how my actions and wrongdoings are affecting others. For years, I've been living in my own space. Reclusive to the rest of the chaotic world. I cared too much about what people thought of me. Secretly, I had no self-esteem. Secretly, I was afraid of judgement. Poeple looking at me and thinking the worse. Because that's what I, myself was doing. I was relentless in my opinions and thoughts.

Now, I don't care enough. I've never been able to care at just the right amount. Either too much, or too little. I'm tired of over-analysing, I've given up on what anyone says about me because 99.9% of the time, it's utter bullshit. Unless, it came from my own mouth, it's all shit talk. I haven't become negatively influenced like some people say. I'm not corrupted in any way. What's happened to me, is that I've grown up, and I've learnt to get over the things that don't matter and aim my focus at one thing. My happiness. The past month, this concept of seeking happiness has really worked for me. I'm slowly finding out about the more significant things in life.

I've had my fair share of relationship break-ups, intense emotional break downs, failing school and living in fear. I've made the most stupid mistakes a human being can possibly make, I've pushed away amazing people that I wish were still here, and I've done things not many people would approve of. If I were to judge me, myself. I think I'd be frowning at me. But thinking that way, I'm only human aren't I? I might be a little crazy, a little gullible, stupid and foolish but everything I've done, and the way I've lived, I'll keep living. Everything I've done, I will never regret, because every single second in my life is precious. Every laughter and every tear I've had in life, contributes to strengthening the person I am at this very moment.

All things that have stomped me down, laughed at me, judged me and back stabbed me, I'm glad to be able to stand up and say "fuck you, my life is as I live it"

Those special people of mine who have stuck by me, I love you, and I hope you'll continue loving me for who I am. I say; Lets run this crazy race together and strip down that finish line (no sexual innuendo intended =P)

And sometimes, in life, things don't always go your way, but they'll always go the right way.

xx Veronica