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What do you want?

Sometimes he'd ask me, just out of no where...

Sometime I'd ask that myself, just to challenge myself to answer it

Answer:

I want to be able to grasp the palm of your hand wherever I go. I want you to be as close to me so I don't panic when you're not in sight. With you, I'm able to experience a life of magic and miracles. The desire to be able to feel your touch and instantly have trouble just breathing at the thought of it. This isn't healthy you know... I long to lie in your bed all day long, entangled in your jumper and white sheets of blanket. As long as I can sleep in your bed, I am content. The nature of your eccentric personality brings about a carnival like atmosphere, colours here and there, soft fairy-like music...

What we have, it should be timeless. Just wanting to freeze this moment in time. I see myself running around finding anything with the time on it, and physically stopping the hands from ticking, the numbers from jumping, anything that will stop time. Your presence sets my life in high definition, colours are brighter than they ought to be, and everything is seen in a clear vision, nothing is blurred out of my life. I notice small details that never occurred to me before. I want a place to call home, I want the lightning of your mouth on mine. My heart has chosen its destination, and it is a place so unknown to man that it is fearfully beautiful. My heat is greedy. It orders everything on the menu, and more.

 

But then I find myself not saying any of this to you. I find myself turning the question into something rhetorical, and just move onto the next subject. I rewind it all, and view the movie that is called "My Life". The main character is sitting on her bed, in her little translucent bubble of innocence. Munching on green apple liquorice, reading a book, procrastinating and craving for nutella and butter on toast. I have lost the will to want to spend time with friends, I have lost the will to laugh. Because I am now lazy and paralysed by my own insecure thoughts. I guess it’s been one of those days where my coffee just has the wrong amount of sugar or milk, and obviously, I’m far too lazy to fix it up, instead, I drink it as it is. A thin strand of extremely knotted thread can easily be thrown away, but I find myself sitting there, trying to untie it, wasting seconds of my life. I know that once I undo the knot, I’ll easily get tangled into it once again. I’m sitting there watching as time creeps up from behind me, irritatingly watching my life fall apart. I’m stuck in my own abyss. Standing in the middle of an inferno. It feels like my body is conflicting world war 3 with my soul. But I’m holding on for my dear life, because I’m still trying to lay down my bricks and rebuild the foundation of my detrimental life.  Even if Winter is freezing me to the absolute bone, even if my body floats atop the ocean as sweet memories sink to the bottom, I’m holding onto our love. Our love that is tangible.

xx Veronica