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So it's been quite a while. I haven't been blogging on blogspot, I haven't been blogging at all for that matter. And I guess this is the time I need my writing the most. I have so much anger, frustration, confusion and misery in me that I can't seem to cope anymore. You know the feeling where you don't know what the fuck you're feeling? Where everything bad turns worse and shit just can't seem to stop going wrong. Well yeah, story of my current life.

There's only a few things I can think of that makes me smile. But even that isn't enough to cover up what I've been feeling inside. How am I suppose to eject all this when i don't even know what it is. What's the use in committing to making someone happy when I can't even make myself happy. What happens when I make the same mistake over and over and over and it doesn't lead to learning. It just leads to tears, pain and misery.

I thought that by getting into something special again, would make me happy. I mean it did, he does. But a person can only be happy at particular times. I don't know how to confront this situation. I'm not a person of confrontation but I know I need to do this for myself and for him. The truth is, I was never ready to get into anything new. And quite frankly, I fucked up bad. Why am I so in need of that special someone in my life? Is it cause I've been fucked over so horribly before that now I just latch onto anyone? I don't fucking know. All I know is that I don't like it, I need to stop before I break down to the absolute extreme.

Why can't I stay happy? Why the fuck can't I be normal? I just want to be normal...happy and normal. Is it that hard? Things just screw me over, people leave and I push people away as soon as I feel it's too much for me to handle. It's the fucking domino effect. As one object falls, the rest follows. And that, is the story of my life.

I need a new fucking pen and a million pieces of blank paper. I need to start a new story. One that doesn't involve me breaking guy's hearts, me crying everyday for a week. One that reflects me as me. The girl that has long been forgotten, the girl that smiles without having to fake it. Laughs without trying. Loves without overthinking. I need me back before I die.